When you’ve never been loved it’s hard to understand it.
The first few years that I was with my new family everything was clouds and sunshine but when your mind has been warped like mine, you never know what you’ll get. When I felt uneasy I’d take knives from the kitchen and hide in me and my little sisters room. Unfortunately my mom started doing drawer checks after she caught me on some porn sites. I was stupid honestly my dad had mirrors around the living room and sitting room where the desktop was. My mom could see everything I was doing. First it was just a xanga blog then people lead me to sites and I even used my father credit card to pay for one site. Let’s just say my mother’s electronic ban was NOT fun at all. I literally had to write out every school paper and I was in ALL honors classes. I had to research the old fashion way: books. Man I didn’t earn much grace after that my mom second guessed everything. I believe this was my tipping point.
Im about 15 at the time and having no trust from the person you spent the most time with was hard. My grades stayed A’s, good attitude, all around sports, ROTC cadet, had a job and I tried to stay on the up and up. I had friends who had phones but I was terrified that my mom would find out. I was the only kid who had $2 in quarters in their bag at all times. Yup I’d have to use a payphone to contact my parents if practice changed or anything. I remember getting lost and calling my mother crying about being lost. I swear she was so worried until she found me and said I was just a 10 minute walk from the house. I was now Ms. No sense of direction and I was okay with that.
Back to the knives when she found the knives I went straight to therapy without my explanation. I told the lady why I hid the knives and she tried to convince me that I was thinking about cutting. I warned the broad to stop and then I started chucking books at her head: man were those books heavy. Let’s just say my mom had a hard time finding me help. When she said cutting all I say was my mom’s body being chopped up with a shovel. I could never cut myself it’s a traumatic thought honestly.
I was a nice kid who’d been dealt a faulty card and when someone gave me a new deck, I kept some of the faulty cards. I brought bags of trauma and I’d understand if they send me back….
Eventually I did get the boot and it was the worst thing ever………….