Can you trust even when you’re so damaged?
If you’ve read my blog thus far I truly appreciate you. It takes a while for me to write these things due to how emotional they are. I’ve NEVER felt like I had the WORST life ever but I have felt like I was given very little chance of survival. I have met and spoken to both men and women who have had crazy hurtful, traumatic lives due to their families choices. I cried equally for them and myself because I know this pain oh so well. I recall wanting to die as a child but I understood no one would care but maybe my baby brother because I took care of him. Why die when there would be no one to cry for you. So that thought came and went as fast as it came.
When I was in school I had 2 good friends and even they didn’t know what I was going through. When I was with them I was just so happy to be seen, heard and loved by their family. I will call them S and M. I met S in June of 95’ while sitting on a step on my grandma’s porch. I was 7 and she was riding her bike past the house and noticed me. She asked if I wanted to play with her and I shook my head yes. I’d like to say at this time in my life I didn’t talk much because I’d been told to shut my mouth so much. I ran after her bike and to her aunt’s house. We played until the street lights came on and before I went home she asked me to come to her birthday the next day.
How I met my friend M was at school in class Aug 95′. I recall needing help writing my name; yes at 7 sad. She helped me a lot and she would play with me outside sometimes. I wasn’t popular and she was but I would hang with her at her babysitter house which was next door to the school. She helped me so much with school and being a good friend and she even had me sleep over at her home. I was a scared child in some aspect and I would have night terrors and have bed wetting accidents. Her mom was so humble and caring and never mad at me. She would tell M that she has been through a lot and you be a good friend. I would like to say that me and M are still friends until this day 27 years strong. I was invited to all her family events as a child and she even came to my hell to visit me.
With these 2 friends they made me forget how bad life was for me but I knew eventually I would have to return to hell. So I enjoyed the smiles, laughs and honest people around me. You can say that my friends saved me in a way because even when I was on my knees for a man in a wheelchair or on my back or whatever position I had to be in I’d think of them and how happy they made me.
It may take a village to raise a child but that village can be from the outside……