Ways to survive

I tried my best to deal with life on my own. But I was a child…

I was poor, dirty smelled like pee(my countermeasure for those perverts) no one wanted to be friends with a girl like me. However, I could fight and everyone needs a scrapper around. I ended up finding myself a group of guy friends who I played football with at recess. The girls didn’t really like me except my 2 friends I had already. The boys group was fun and I fit in and didn’t get into too much trouble except when one touched me. I was so scared of the male gender I’d only been on this earth 8 years and they had done nothing good to me. I recall once a guy was walking up the field and he touched my back for a good job and I punched him over and over till I was pulled off of him. I eventually apologized but they knew NOT to touch me at ALL. Sadly they all called me crazy and I started hanging on the swings. 

The next school year in third grade I ended up in a cool class with the only Asian teacher in the whole school. Her class was epic. It made you want to just talk and have fun, I did not get suspended the whole year. I began cheerleading and hanging with all the cool girls. The issue was I couldn’t really dance but we also had a jump rope squad too and that I could do. I learned to cheer and dance but we really didn’t have a team to cheer for yet. It was just fun honestly. I went to birthday parties and sleepovers at peoples houses. It was amazing. I haven’t had a birthday party since ever, I’d go to my cousins parties but no one threw one for me. 

Life was still complicated when my Granny caught me and sold me. Nothing I could do or say could make her stop. I tried hiding but then my hiding spot showed itself too. I’d tap on the door for some food and he would feed me and even let me play in his backyard. He had a swing set, pretty flowers, basketball hoop, benches to sit and peace. Eventually he started rubbing my hand and I thought it’s better than me rubbing his penis. I’d climb the fence everyday to hang out, eventually I started taking a warm shower there and I’m sure he was watching me but hey it’s better than what I was used to. When all the flowers were gone, leaves all raked and snow on ground everything changed. He’d take me into his room, lock door and have sex with me. I was angry my safe haven was gone, now what could I do? I came up with inviting my friends over so I was never alone with him. It worked when they came over but when they didn’t I would try and steer clear his house. He had everything my Grandma house didn’t. I even found a hidden room that had magazines of naked people having sex; old school playboys. I’d hide down there when he was outside and just turn the pages. I wish I was happy when men were doing that to me but I wasn’t; it hurt. 

Addiction starts in ways we never thought of. It would take me 29 years to get control of it…..

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