Smart, Humble & Hungry

Why didn’t someone reel you in?

My mothers life was not a fun one growing up with a hustler mother and a violent/drunk father.  When she was in school and she barely passed but she did with a solid C. She was married in 1983 at the tender age of 21 to a man who was 53.(same age as her mother) She wanted and needed to get away so she escaped with this evil Jamaican/Haitian man. He was nice for a time her friends told me, he was a provider but not a lover at all. She had my sister after only being married a year or so in 1984. Now being a mom, wife, worker and depressed wasn’t a great combo. Eventually she found herself into drugs to numb her pain. By the age of 22 she was married, had a child and addicted to drugs. Crazy to think at 22 I lived in Germany, was married and having the time of my life. Not married to a man 30 plus years older than me, snorting crack, getting beat and taking care of an infant. Sad and the worse part of it all was it only got worse. Divorce happened in 87’ and then here I came (he was NOT my father) and by 92’ she was a mother of 3. Less than 10 years she popped out 3 children by 3 different men, was married/divorced, addicted to drug, jailed for prostitution, jailed for assault and finally hit her rock bottom. 

What made me the most angry is the fact she had sisters 5 to be exact and none of them stopped her. Some actually joined in her foolishness and became addicted to drug or domestic abuse. However there was 1 sister who “claims” they never did drugs or anything bad. I asked her then why didn’t you stop them? She said, “I had my own life and couldn’t take care of adults.”  I always thought when my sister was in an abusive relationship I lived in Germany and I would hound her and tell her she’s worth more, never did I think to just be quiet and live my life. No, that’s my sister. I will keep fighting when she can’t. However my Grandmother raised selfish children who only thought of them and growing up I saw with my own eyes. So back to my mother. She met bad men, always kept a job, stayed an addict (clean in 94’), took care of 3 kids (more like we took care of ourselves) and had mental health issues. Now don’t think I’m saying my mom was just an addict, she was a functional addict. She kept a place to live, paid her bills, made sure my sister was in school, cleaned house, did laundry and yes cooked. Monday through Thursday happy family Friday to Sunday my mama went out and stayed out till Sunday night. This is bleak. I remember a bit but not everything, I do recall some sobriety especially during my brother’s conception, birth and she breast fed him a bit. His father was present until he was arrested in late 93’ and didnt get out till 95’. She had sober moments and I don’t know how. I couldn’t imagine being addicted to something and cutting it off and on but she did (not always) but most of the time.

NOW no I don’t think my mother was the best or worse what I thought was she was sad. Even till this day I just recall her face being defeated. She smiled and laughed a lot but I think it was for us. 

When a child no matter the age has NO place to go: Home should be an option….

But that’s the LAST place my mother wanted to GO…….

Where she hid her pain… So sad for my mother…