Jacked Up

We all have issues. Whats yours?

Have you ever watched a film and got angry at what was being depicted? I recall watching a film and it had this hyped up guy who was very impulsive and almost “high.” It made me sad because I knew that was me. In 2011 I was diagnosed as bi-polar depressive. I recall being home on a break and going to the mall. When I returned home my mom looked in a few bags and asked, “What is this lil girl?” I snatched the bags and said, “Mine go away.” She started collecting receipts and got mad. In my mind I was happy, full of joy and at peace. My mom says that I had spent over $4,000 on stuff I didn’t need. She politely grabbed it all and went back to the mall and got my money back. I was not happy at all, especially when she made the call that I could no longer use her car. How would I get around? Finally I was admitted into a mental care program to see what my issue was. Their diagnosis besides PTSD, was bi-polar depression; what the heck is that? 

Took me almost 7 years to truly understand my disease and a few more to learn how to control it. I still have my days but they’re not 4 grand days more like 2 hundred dollar days. I also tell my family when I am in a spiral with hopes they will visit me and distract my mind. It doesn’t work all the time but when it works I am grateful for them. 

NO I’m not crazy and I don’t talk to people who aren’t there. Bi-polar is a mood defect where it’s hard to control your up and down days. Those affected have different impulses that we indulge in on those days. No, my high day isn’t too different from my low day. In each of them I am very impulsive and need reeling in. One is me doing things out versus me doing things that can equally be hurtful. Neither is great but it is a part of me. What woman wants to admit not only am I a recovering porn addict, that has PTSD & anxiety but I also have bi-polae depression disorder. That just sounds like too much for one to bear but you know what THAT IS ME. I am happy, full of you, peaceful as this world can allow, spiritual, honest, true, full of integrity and so much more. None of those disorders STOP me from being me: UNIQUE & full of LOVE.   

What do good and bad days look like? hmm………

I had to be fierce. What about you?

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