Smart, Humble & Hungry

The lies we let drive our lives

The lies we live with not only was I a porn addict but I was addicted to being alone. Thinking back to every failed relationship that I ensured failed in some kind of way. It wasn’t always him, it was me and my mind as well. I kept hearing you don’t deserve love, you’re not good enough, he’s going to hurt you, you’re going to die alone, you can’t be enough and much more. Hearing that only made arguments intensify with my and my husbands (3 to be exact) and me going into isolation.

Okay now I am NOT saying I was always in the wrong but I will say that my defeated personality did not help. Husband 1: amazing guy but had a secret that I couldn’t deal with. I didn’t ask enough questions, young & dumb. Husband 2: refused to abide by the holy matrimony concept of monogamy. I rushed into this marriage in 4 months, how crazy. Husband 3: the worst of the worst, man only told the truth when you asked him his name. He had secret relationships, engagements and families that he expected yours truly to be OKAY with. I saw what I wanted to see and not what was there. Well we all make mistakes and now I wonder if marriage is for me. Only the BIG MAN upstairs knows that honestly.

Now at almost 35 I sit and wonder what my fairy tale actually looks like. Will it be fully of loneliness and content or will the BIG MAN give me a true human love to grow old with?

Only time will tell, won’t it?