Smart, Humble & Hungry

The lies we let drive our lives.

I remember as a child hearing, “what happens here stays here”, “don’t trust the white people”, “if you call the cops you’ll never come back to this house” and so much more. It’s crazy how that became the foundation to my personality for soooo long. It’s a shame. It was all about lying and being deceitful. Never being you. I was a broken child who became a broken young adult. 

One day back in 2016 it was September 11 to be exact. I sat there and said to my friends, “I’m a porn addict, I just came off a 8 hour bender.” They looked at me with surprise. I then said “I need help” and I went online and found a group called SPAA in California. One of the best decision I ever made was on September 13 walking into that church, up those stairs and into a room full of men who struggled like me. I was okay being the only female in the room; I just wanted help. Now here I am 4 years, 3 months and 24 days sober. I am well into my recovery and I am happy, joyful, grateful and no longer lost. 

I had to be honest I found porn magazines after being molested by a neighborhood-old man. He had a stash in his basement where I retreated after being taken advantage of. My maternal grandmother eventually came and found me. She took the money the man had put in my pocket into her bra sock. Sad but true this little 8-year-old me lost, but those magazines stayed in my head. By age 10 I was watching videos and even sneaking into the local blockbuster curtained room to get a peak. Even after that it took me another 19 years to realize I was an addict. 

More to come…..